Leroy Herdman: The Story Of A Gunslinger
by Savvy Sauce
Summary: Reflections on the life of Leroy Herdman, and how he went from bad to worse, to better. I wrote this story to help me develop the character for my show.
1. Leroy, Age 6

"Hurry up, Leroy!" Imogene took me roughly by the arm. "You're gonna learn to run this town properly."

My name is Leroy Herdman. I'm 14, and I have 5 siblings. Two older, three younger. Since two of my younger siblings are twins, does that still make me the middle child? In any case, we live together with our mom, but she doesn't come around a lot. Sometimes we don't see her for days at a time. Our dad? Well, he left after Gladys was born. Ralph didn't tell me until I got older that he left because he was tired of all the kids he had to put up with. We don't live in the best of neighborhoods. There's always a break-in going on, and not just by my siblings and me. That's why it's good to have protection around, or some obvious threat. These gun holsters look good on me, don't they? I think that's been keeping the wrong ones at bay.

_Since my mom was never around, it was my siblings that raised me. Ralph and Imogene. They were so smart, they knew about everything!_

Leroy, age 6

Ralph and Imogene were bigger, so their legs were longer. Mine couldn't keep up with theirs. I didn't want to say anything to them about it. They'd probably tug me even harder.

The sun was going down. Bad guys came out at sun down. Why were we out so late suddenly? "Stop worrying about it," That's what Ralph would always say if he felt like I was asking too many questions.

Imogene gripped my arm all the way to the park. We walked until we got deep enough into the woods that I could hardly see my hand in front of me, it was so dark.

Imogene let go of me, and she and Ralph stood in front of me. It nearly broke my neck to look up at them.

"You're 6 now, Leroy," Imogene broke the silence. "In the Herdman family, that's coming-of-age. You're made a Herdman, not born one. Now that you're old enough, we'll make you a Herdman, like me and Ralph."

This sounded like fun. So I could be as cool as them?

"Your first test will be given momentarily," Imogene smiled, spitting chewed pieces of her cigar into the leaves. "Ralph will take you into the woods, and we'll begin."

Ralph put his arms around my stomach and lifted me up, and he hurried off the path, away from the sound of crunching leaves coming from nearby.

We were behind a row of bushes before Ralph put me down and told me to stay quiet no matter what. Soon, through the openings of the bushes, I saw a woman walking down the poorly lit trail coming towards where we had been standing. Ralph and I looked over the bush and saw Imogene hiding in the bushes on the other side of the trail, opposite of us. She and Ralph mouthed words to each other that I couldn't understand. Before I could ask, Ralph put a hand on my head and pushed me back down out of sight. He mouthed something to Imogene, and then came back down to my level.

"Okay, Leroy," He whispered, I struggled to hear. "Now I want you to scream as loud as you can."

"But you told me to stay quiet no matter what!" I whispered back at a louder level.

"That doesn't matter anymore! Just scream!" Ralph gripped my arm.

I looked past the bushes and saw the woman walking past where we were hiding. Imogene's eyes were wide and her teeth were curled into a snarl, as if to tell Ralph, "Hurry before it's too late."

Upon seeing this, Ralph jerked me forward by the sleeve and pinched the back of my arm, causing me to let out a distressing cry of pain.

This caused the woman to look back at where we were hiding, startled and panicked.

Ralph lifted me up to look over the bushes. I saw Imogene's silhouette leap on top of the woman. Before she could scream, Ralph darted out of our hiding spot and slapped a hand over her mouth. He helped to pin the woman to the ground while Imogene managed to get her purse off of her arm. As soon as she did, Ralph and Imogene ran quickly back to where I was hiding. Ralph scooped me up and kept running.

All I could hear past the sounds of leaves crunching under Ralph and Imogene's shoes was the sound of the woman screaming for help. Ralph and Imogene didn't stop running until we got back to our house.

Ralph put me down once we got to the driveway, and he and Imogene used what little breath they had to laugh at their success.

"You almost messed the whole thing up," Imogene said, turning to me She held the woman's purse in front of me. "But we got what we went for!"

We walked around to the back of the house and climbed in a low window that Imogene had busted in the screen from. I climbed inside and heard my baby brothers Claude and Ollie crying.

"Are they hungry again?!" Imogene screamed over them at Ralph. "No wonder there's no food in this house!!"

"I'll take care of it!" Ralph screamed back. "Just stop your complaining!"

While Ralph went into the kitchen to find something to give to my brothers, I sat down next to Imogene in the living room as she dumped out the contents of the woman's purse. She chuckled as she emptied out the woman's wallet. The chuckle turned into a growl once Imogene discovered only 10 dollars in it. She forgave the wallet after she found an opened pack of cigarettes.

I stared in fascination as she lit one of those things, and my eyes got wide when I saw the end light up, and smoke came out of her mouth. Finally, she saw me staring. She took it out of her mouth and held it out to me.

"Here, put it in your mouth," She said.

Excited, but also confused, I put it in my mouth and waited for it to light up. I was a little disappointed when nothing happened.

"Now take a deep breath, and breathe through it," Imogene instructed me.

I obeyed, and it actually worked, but I couldn't find it in me to celebrate on account of my watery eyes. I took it out of my mouth and coughed the smoke out.

"It hurts," I gagged.

"It won't if you do it right," Imogene snatched it out of my hand and put it back in my mouth. "Breathe from your lungs, not your mouth, Leroy."

I did exactly as my sister instructed, and it actually worked that time!

"Well?" Imogene waited for my review.

"It's a little nasty," I handed it back to her.

"You'll get used to it," Imogene said before she inhaled a huge cloud of smoke, causing ash to fall off the end of the cigarette. "Once you've gotten it, you can move onto cigars. Those taste better."

I had been focusing on the cigarette so long, I hadn't noticed Claude and Ollie had stopped crying.


	2. Leroy, Age 8

Leroy, age 8

It was summer, so it was hot outside, even late at night. I came outside to the back porch and sat beside Ralph. I didn't get too close because the smoke from his cigarettes always hurt my eyes.

"Ralph?" I broke the silence finally. "How come Imogene says 'my god' all the time?"

"It's when she doesn't say it that you should start asking questions," Ralph replied after exhaling the smoke. "She's always said that. I can't even remember when she didn't."

"Who even is God?" I asked. "They've got a whole building with his name on the sign, the one we pass everyday to go to the store."

Ralph took a long beat, just shaking his head. I didn't think he really knew the answer any more than I did.

"He's just this guy," Ralph finally said.

"I've never met him," I replied, hoping for more information. "Where does he live? And how come no one's ever seen him?"

"There is no God, Leroy," Ralph threw this cigarette on the ground and crushed it under his foot.

"Then why is there a whole building—"

"He's there so people don't feel lonely!" He said firmly. "When people realize they're alone in the world, they make up a bunch of stuff to make themselves feel better. But we are alone, Leroy. Some people can't understand that, but we are alone."

Before I could ask anything else, Imogene came outside and dipped next to Ralph.

"The welfare's here," I heard her whisper. Ralph nodded, and he took me by the arm and led me quietly inside.

We snuck past the living room so the welfare couldn't see us. They came around every once in a while to talk to my mom. They always brought food over. Sometimes it was good, but sometimes it was really useless food, like celery. Celery belongs in a pot, not a human. That's what I always told myself.

"Now be quiet," Imogene whispered to me as we leaned against the wall, listening to the conversation. I sat between Ralph and Imogene, and even held my mouth so I couldn't leak any sound.

"We don't feel as if these children are receiving proper treatment," I heard the welfare guy say. "We haven't put them under protective services because we find them...mentally unfit, to be given new parents. These are five children who desperately need a parent to look after them, they're alone half the—"

"Six," I heard mom say in a rough tone, followed by an exhale of smoke from her cigarette. "In about seven months, there will be six 'desperate children.'"

Imogene's eyes grew wide, and she reached across me to nudge Ralph, who was too shocked to even acknowledge her.

"We think that it's about time for these kids to be placed in school," the guy continued. "The Government is willing to pay for their tuition. If they don't become properly educated, we'll have no choice but to seize the children, once your child is born."

The room fell silent. Finally, to cut through the awkward tension in the room, the man said good afternoon and left. We were too stunned to even ask mom anything. She put out her cigarette, then grabbed her purse to go to work. She never said a word to us when she left.

"_Another _one?!" Imogene yelled, as soon as our mom pulled out of the driveway. "So now I'll have to feed ANOTHER kid?! That much food doesn't even exist in this city!"

Ralph got up to go in the living room after the food the welfare guys brought.

"Looks like you'll be helping out some too, Leroy," Imogene said to me, pulling a cigar from her pocket and chewing away. "Claude, Ollie, and now this new guy."

Ralph appeared holding the basket. He was already munching on a Twinkie. "Imogene, here," He threw Imogene a box of oatmeal. "Heat that up before the twins wake up."

"Do it yourself," Imogene shoved the box back into his arms and left for her bedroom.

"Here, Leroy," Ralph threw a ham down in front of me. I grumbled. Not ham again! I always got the ham.

"What are you eating?" I asked, trying to distract myself from the ham.

"Twinkie," Ralph broke off a piece and handed it to me.

It was the most delicious thing I had ever tasted. I feel almost unworthy.

"Why have I never gotten these before?" I laughed in utter disbelief.

Ralph laughed. "I'll swipe you some next time I hit the store." And with that, the Twinkie King went to the kitchen, ripping open the oatmeal box.

That night, I slept with Imogene. Usually I shared a bed with the twins, but tonight Ralph did, because Claude wouldn't let Ralph leave him. I was getting a very good sleep. In the dark of my mind, I heard violent rustling, which woke me up. As soon as I woke up, the rustling stopped. I must have been getting ready to have a dream.

But then, it came back. Not as loud, but it was back. I thought maybe another raccoon had snuck in, plus Imogene wasn't waking up, so I ignored it and tried to drift back to sleep.

That's when Ralph burst through the bedroom door, nearly causing me to have a heart attack. He ran across to the bed and jumped on top of Imogene, and began to roughly shake her.

"Imogene! Someone's breaking in!" Ralph screamed at her.

After he said those words, Imogene was wide-awake.

"Stop sitting there and go get a bat!" Imogene yelled, jumping out of bed.

I sat up to keep alert to the commotion, but Imogene shoved me back down onto my back. "Do not leave this room until Ralph or I come to get you."

I just nodded. I wasn't sure what to do. A lot of people had broken in before, but never while we were home. It was always when we went to the store or something!

Imogene ran out of the room, I saw Ralph run past her and Imogene followed.

"Get the h*ll out of my house!" I heard her screaming.

I heard a lot of struggling in the living room that only made me even more curious about what was happening. But I told Imogene I wouldn't get out of bed. If we did get through this, Imogene would really scold me for disobeying.

I was startled at the sound of the front door busting open, and all the sounds of Ralph and Imogene's vicious clamor trailed outside.

She said not to leave the room, right? Well, there's a window looking out into the front yard. No harm in looking, since I'm not leaving the room.

I yanked the covers off of myself and ran over to the window to see if Ralph and Imogene were okay. The streetlights burned down over the mangled up bodies of Ralph, Imogene, and the burglar as they struggled over Ralph's baseball bat. I saw Imogene punch the man several times in the face until he let go. When he did, that left room for Ralph to mercilessly beat the man, while Imogene stood by, lighting her cigar and laughing at the spectacle. I had only seen these things in movies, and that was the only place I thought they existed. I was terrified.

Ralph panted heavily and threw the bat across the yard, and he stepped over the man, who used what little strength Ralph allowed him to squirm helplessly on the ground. Ralph ran back into the house as Imogene flipped the man over on his stomach and sat on his back. I saw her cigar ash light up as she pushed the man's head into the ground with her foot. She lowered the cigar towards the back of his neck, and I waited in horror for what she would do next. Before I could accumulate enough terror to run from the window, Imogene slowly turned and looked back at me; her eyes were filled with more rage than I had ever seen from a human. As soon as she did, Ralph threw his hand over my eyes and pushed me down onto my bed, my face down in the pillow. All I could hear were the sounds of that man screaming, and Imogene yelling unintelligible words at him overtop.

"Ralph!" I screamed, though they were muffled by the pillow. "Ralph!!"

"Shut up and keep your head down!" Ralph yelled at me, pushing my head harder into the pillow.

Ralph and Imogene always told me that only sissies cry, but I couldn't help it. I guess, since my face was in the pillow, Ralph couldn't have seen me as the tears came down.

I heard Ollie and Claude wake up, and they began crying for Ralph. That man still wouldn't stop screaming. I wished he would stop.

Ralph said there was no God. But if there was, please God, make this end.


	3. Leroy, Age 9

Leroy, age 9

It had been a year since the spectacle outside my house, and I don't think I ever truly got over it. To be honest, I don't think Ralph and Imogene did either. They never told Claude and Ollie what happened – what _really _happened, anyway. The excuse for their screaming was merely the fact another raccoon was taking off with a piece of the leftover ham. I wished so much that I could have fooled myself into believing that.

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. It was a mixture of boredom and deep thought. Perhaps it was deep thought as a result of boredom. In any case, I wasn't taking part in Claude and Ollie's game of Cops and Robbers in the house. I was surprised I could get any deep thinking done; the ambience in our house was Claude and Ollie screaming, breaking dishes, throwing fragile things at each other, and Ralph screaming at them to stop, with no avail. I guess I was used to it.

In fact, I was so used to it, the sudden silence caused me to sit up. I heard the front door shut, and I jumped up to see what was happening.

I ran out of my room and through the hallway to the living room. Claude, Ollie and Ralph just stood in a row, and as I joined them in their row, we stared silently at Imogene across from us, holding a baby wrapped up in towels. I bet we stood there a good five minutes just staring at that baby.

"Is that it?" Ralph finally said.

Imogene nodded. "Yeah. It's a girl."

Ralph walked over to the baby and put his hand gently on the top of its head. "What'd mom call it?"

"Gladys," Imogene replied.

I looked over at Claude and Ollie, who were just staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I looked away from them and back at my new sister. I had nothing say.

"I'll take it," Ralph said. He tried to take the baby, but Imogene just backed away.

"No, I'll take it," Imogene said somberly. She walked around Ralph and past me out the door, and I watched her go. She had such a serious expression on her face. Almost...concerned.

Claude and Ollie watched her go into their bedroom, and finally Ollie bolted past us and ran around Imogene. He jumped into the bed he and Claude shared and stretched himself as wide as he could across the bed.

"What are you doing?!" Imogene's voice became firm again. "Move it!"

"This is OUR bed!" Ollie said stubbornly.

Claude and I crowded into the doorway of the twins' bedroom and watched Ollie protect his bed like a marine at a fortress.

"I need somewhere to put Gladys!" Imogene yelled. "Tell him, Ralph!"

Ralph walked past us into the bedroom. "You can sleep with me, tonight, Ollie, now get up!"

Ollie roughly shook his head. Ralph walked over to the bed and attempted to pull Ollie off of the bed. Ollie gripped the sides of the mattress and screamed in protest. Ralph finally let go, and Ollie stopped screaming. Ralph gave Imogene a shrug, and Imogene rolled her eyes and left the room with a growl.

"There's nowhere else!" Imogene complained loudly as she went into her bedroom. Claude ran from my side and followed Imogene into her room. Ralph and I followed behind him.

Claude ran over to Imogene's chest of drawers and began to open all the drawers and look inside. My siblings and I just watched in confusion. When he came to the very top drawer, he pressed on the soft bedding of Imogene's socks and undergarments, and began throwing select articles out of the drawer.

"Hey!" Imogene protested.

Claude gave the now half-empty drawer one final press, and turned to Imogene.

"Put her in this," He said, pointing to the drawer.

Ralph, Imogene and I just stared in disbelief. Wow, Claude really had an idea!

"Come on!" Claude thrust his pointed finger towards the drawer impatiently.

Imogene walked over to the drawer and carefully placed Gladys inside, and was surprised to see it fit her perfectly. She looked over at Claude and smiled at him as she scrubbed the top of his head with her fist.

Gladys napped there quietly for the rest of the day. Ollie wasn't taking any chances, though. He stayed in _his _bed for the rest of the day, too.


	4. Leroy, Age 13

**Leroy, age 13**

Why should I go to school? My mom went to school. Obviously it did her little good. The welfare disagreed. They wanted my siblings and me gone so badly, they somehow convinced the government to let us go for free. As badly as _this _country wants money? To disregard an entire tuition for six kids; they must be using us for a top-secret anti-terrorist plot.

Anyway, there we were; Ralph, Imogene and I, crammed into the back seat of the welfare's white car. There were so many thoughts about that moment roaring in my head, but none of them were positive. This moment - this whole idea - was awkward, unfair, unruly, abhorrent...overall inexplicably psychotic.

That stupid car made me insane. It was so clean I wanted to destroy it. It smelt funny. I understood, for the first time in my life, what it meant to smell like authority. It smelt like authoritative government. It was detestable.

My brothers and sister were in the welfare's car behind us. My siblings and I kept hearing their tires screech and several times they almost ran off the road. Gladys must have been doing something. As curious as I was, I stayed quiet and glacial, in hopes that my silent protests would somehow convince the welfare of these inhuman acts they were exposing us to and turn the car around.

We pulled up to the huge school, with "Woodrow Wilson" spread in big letters across the brick cornerstone. The welfare agent in the passenger seat got out of the car and opened Ralph's door to let us out of the car. I felt like we were going to be executed. I was entirely ready for a firing squad to appear.

I looked over and saw Gladys and the twins getting out of the car behind us. Claude and Ollie were chuckling madly, and Gladys had, what appeared to be, a large chunk of leather from the steering wheel bouncing around in her mouth as she chomped on it furiously.

"Well, children," The agent said, as he began to walk us to the front of the school. "Welcome to your new school."

School hadn't started yet, so all sorts of kids were walking around outside, clutching their books and lunches. I saw kids stare at my siblings and I as they passed by. They certainly weren't all interested stares. Most of them were biased and disgusted looks. I looked over and Ralph and Imogene, who seemed to notice these expressions as well. Ralph kept his usual stern expression and hardly acknowledged them, while Imogene returned their burning with a vicious snarl, which struck fear into any who happened to be ensnared. I looked to my other side at my other siblings; Claude and Ollie didn't notice at all because they were too busy laughing and punching each other, and Gladys noticed but didn't care as she continued to bite away at the steering wheel leather while singing indecipherable words as she munched.

We finally stopped as the door of the school, where a middle-aged woman in a stupid-looking flowery dress was standing there mauling us with a fastidious look on her face. You would have thought she'd smelt something dead.

"Children," The welfare agent – the big command dog – finally said to us. "This is Mrs. Slocum, she'll be teaching the class where Ralph, Imogene and Leroy will be in."

Imogene and I scoffed at the use of our names and "teach" in the same sentence.

"Mrs. Slocum, these are the Herdmans; Ralph, Imogene, Leroy, Claude, Ollie and Gladys."

"Pleased to meet you all," The woman said apathetically. "Follow me, I'll deliver you all to your classrooms." The tone of her voice said she hardly wanted to the minute she looked at us.

We walked the crowded hallways closely behind that ridiculous bigoted Becky of a woman as she walked swiftly, probably to avoid being seen with us. We were silent mostly, until a kid coming out of a classroom made the stupid mistake of not looking where he was going and running straight into Ralph.

"Watch where you're going, punk!" Ralph domineered as he grabbed the kid by the shoulders and threw him to the ground. He somberly continued to walk as the other kids coming out of the classroom murmured and came down to the kid's level to check on him. We stopped behind the bimbo when we found she had turned around and seen the incident, wearing a horrified look on her face.

"Would you mind terribly not killing any of the children before we get to class?!" The woman said firmly.

"Sure thing, sleaze," A grin crept over Ralph's face. "We'll be happy to wait until afterwards."

Imogene erupted into laughter, which in turn caused the twins to start laughing too, even though they weren't even listening to the conversation. The troll grumbled in frustration at the entertainment and continued walking.

We took a flight of stairs to the second floor, and at our first stop, we came to the classroom where Claude, Ollie and Gladys would be taught. They immediately dominated the classroom, throwing kids away from their desks until they found pleasing ones. Gladys was at home right on the teacher's desk, though. No throwing required. The bint we'd been following kept straight on after introducing them to the teacher. She didn't even stay to watch the fun. A few doors down was the classroom Ralph, Imogene and I would be sharing, not too far from my younger siblings, in case they needed us.

"Alright, children, settle down," Mrs. Airhead exclaimed as we walked in. "We have three new students in class today...Ralph, Imogene, and Leroy Herdman."

Scattered, timid versions of "hi" came from various spots in the classroom.

"Alright, take your seats," Mrs. Stinkface gave an annoyed sigh.

Imogene went over to a windowsill to the right and swiped a lone slice of chocolate cake sitting on a white plate.

"That's for the teacher!" A voice suddenly piped up.

Imogene looked behind her at the nervous but arrogant face of a girl with long curly brown hair, who stared straight ahead fearfully as Imogene approached her slowly and threateningly.

"Oh, is it?" Imogene came behind of the girl and brought her face to the girl's level. "Well, it _was_."

Imogene took the cake into her right hand and shoved it all at once into her mouth. She chewed loudly and mockingly as the cake smacked around in her mouth, and kept her face level with the girl's, who was getting even more uncomfortable. Right before she swallowed the huge chunk of cake, she let out a boisterous, "Delicious." The teacher watched in utter disgust as Imogene wiped her chocolate-covered face off with the palm of her hand. Imogene proceeded to study the girl up and down. She looked down at the girl's schoolbooks, where she had written her name in curly pink letters. Imogene picked up one of the books to get a closer look.

"Alice Wendlekin, huh?" Imogene threw the book to the side, and continued to study the frightened girl. "Nice dress."

The girl carefully look down at her checkered purple and white dress, and could only squeal as Imogene slapped her hand onto the girl's leg and wiped the chocolaty mess from her hand onto the girl's immaculately clean dress.

"Nice to meet you," Imogene jeered. "Maybe we can have some cake again sometime."

Imogene laughed mockingly as she took a seat beside of Alice.

Inspired by the events that had just taken place, I looked to my right and saw a boy, about three years my junior, sitting cautiously beside me. I looked down at his desk straight at his open lunch bag, and right there, unopened, was heaven in a wrapper. I reached over and snatched it from in front of him.

"Hey!" The boy protested. "That's my Twinkie!"

"Oh is it?" I smiled as I ripped open the Twinkie and stuck it straight down my throat. "Well, it _was_."

I think I've made a friend.


	5. Leroy, Age 14: Refreshments?

**Leroy, Age 14 : Refreshments?**

One year gone, and my siblings and I were already out on top. They might as well change the school's name from Woodrow Wilson to the Herdman Memorial School! Yeah, that's a good name.

I've got to say my favorite time was when Gladys brought that cat she found to school, and it emerged from her backpack and threw the school into havoc. Good times.

One year later, so much had changed. This school had gone from the most pathetic hunk of bricks in the entire town to the greatest piece of history in the state. Hey, maybe school was okay.

My siblings and I named certain parts of the school as our "territories." Ralph chose the cafeteria, because he was always the one to bring home the bacon. Claude and Ollie took the gym immediately once they saw all the room they had to run around, and the balls they could throw at kids. Imogene took the lab, seeing as over the winter she had learned to mix chemicals (even though she frequently "accidentally" set fires). And as for Gladys, she chose the school ventilation system...don't even ask.

I got the best piece of property, though. A little piece of everything. The schoolyard! I ran it like a werewolf shepherd in a field of tiny sheep. Those spoiled little rich kids were always carting around gourmet lunches with them, just waiting for the taking.

By this time, I had made very good friends with little Charlie Bradley, who, truly, will _never _learn. In a week, I was able to take such delicacies as baloney sandwiches, moon pies, cake, _more _cake, macaroni and cheese, and of course, Twinkies.

The school bell rang. Time for my shift! Imogene leapt from her seat and chased her new best friend, Alice Wendlekin, out the classroom door waving a dead rat behind her as she went. Like an electronic rodent, I saw Earl, Claude and Ollie's buddy, scurry from his desk to the door as the twins burst through the back classroom door screaming his name with dodge balls under their arms. Ollie scooped Earl up and slung him over his shoulder; Earl went limp as a fish, stricken with fear. Ralph was already gone to terrorize the lunch lady before I even got to watch his action.

But wait...what's this? No Charlie? Where's he gotten to? No plaything for me? No fun at all.

I tromped through the hallways, using my index fingers as guns, and once I cocked my thumbs, the children knew to run. I ran through the hall making shooting noises as the kids struggled to get out of my path. Few were stupid enough not to move.

"Stop that right this instant!" I heard Mrs. Slocum yell to me. In turn I turned around and shot her, in which she proceeded to huff and puff back to the classroom.

I heard dishes breaking as I passed the cafeteria on the way to the schoolyard. Looks like Ralph is already busy. I gave the doors a firm push and marched myself out onto the lawn. I stood on patrol, examining the lunches of each child for something tasty.

Chicken salad? No, I had that yesterday.

Broccoli and cheese? I'll pass.

Ham sandwich? Oh good grief, spare me.

I wanted to believe that they were expecting me to look at their lunches, so they packed nothing but garbage. They're onto me.

I looked further into the distance, and saw blue-checkered button-down and navy slacks, with heaven on them.

I walked closer, and wouldn't you know it – it was my good pal, Charlie Bradley. His eyes grew wide as I approached him and he cowered on the bench.

"You always come through for me, Bradley," I swiped the Twinkie out of his hand. "I appreciate that."

I grabbed the lunch from off of Charlie's lap and took off running. I pushed kids down as I ran, laughing manically, and I didn't stopped until I reached the side of the school.

I dug around in the brown paper bag, until...jackpot. ANOTHER Twinkie. Bless you, Mrs. Bradley. I tore open the Twinkie wrapper and chomped away, examining the other Twinkie.

"Hey Leroy," A voice called my name timidly. "Y-You give me back my lunch!"

I turned around to Charlie, short as ever, and gave him a smile. "Sure, kid. Here."

I held the lunch out to him, and as he approached to get it, I threw it on the ground, sending his lunch in several directions. Now _that _was funny. What was funnier was Charlie scrambling on the ground to pick up his lunch, like a dog.

"You stole my dessert again!" He grumbled.

"How do you know?" I asked, through a mouthful of Twinkie.

"Because it isn't here," Charlie said, in a sarcastic tone that I did not particularly like.

I approached him and got close until I was towering over him like Lady Liberty.

"What was it?" I challenged him to use that tone with me again.

"Two Twinkies," he replied, in a better, more fearful tone.

"That's right," I waved my extra Twinkie in his face. "That's what it was!"

I smacked him in the arm and continued walking as he gripped his arm in pain.

"Hey Leroy!"

The voice was tougher this time. Are you challenging me, little man? Do you _dare _to challenge Leroy Herdman?

"You think it's so great that you can steal my lunch everyday?" Charlie ran his mouth as I walked closer to him. "Well...I don't care if you steal my dessert. I'll even give you my dessert, because I get all the dessert I want in Sunday School!"

Say what? All the dessert you want?

"Oh yeah?" I continued to walk slowly towards him, interested. "What kind of dessert?"

"All kinds," Charlie gave me a cheeky grin. "Chocolate cake, and candy bars, and cookies...Twinkies, Big Wheels..." – This was sounding ridiculous now. He's lying. No adult's that nice. Little punk. – "We get refreshments all the time, all we want."

"You're a liar!" I shoved him backwards.

"And ice cream, and donuts..." He continued to tempt me. "...and cupcakes-"

I grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him aside. He managed to stay on his feet, but he could finally tell that I meant business.

"Who gives them to you?!" I dared him to lie to me.

"The minister!" Charlie stuttered.

"Why?!" I yelled. Why would an adult be that nice to a kid? No one was ever that nice to me. "Is he crazy?!"

"No," Charlie shrunk slowly down. "I think he's rich!"

Rich _and _nice?! I had heard enough. I threw my fist into the air, ready to smash his nose into his skull, when his reflexes, sharper than ever, ordered him to start running. I could only laugh as I watched him trip over himself to get out of my line of vision.

I continued to examine the Twinkies. Maybe he wasn't lying.

I mean, every single day he comes to school with these high-price sweets. I guess that's what they use church contribution money for, to fatten their God-fearing children with loads of good snacks. My brothers and sisters might like this information. Maybe we can do some research.

"Sunday School, huh?" I chuckled.

With my Twinkie still in hand, I yanked out my spy guns and ran straight back to the cafeteria.


	6. Leroy, Age 14: Lies

**Leroy, Age 14 – The Lie**

I followed behind Ralph and Imogene closely, with Claude and Ollie wrestling their way up behind me. Gladys rode comfortably on Ralph's back, teeth bared, as we made our way to the door of the church. I looked around to see if anyone was looking. Imagine what would happen to my dignity if someone saw me actually go in here. The Herdmans would be the laughing stock of the neighborhood. No one would be afraid of us anymore!

Ralph pushed the doors of the church open and stepped forward just far enough to allow the rest of us to enter the church. Gladys leapt off of Ralph and ran in front of him, snarling. We were apparently in the main lobby, or at least that was the impression we got. It was filled with people. Awful looking people. The men were dressed down nicely in suits and ties; the women had strings of big pearls around their necks. The little girls had on impossibly clean and colorful dresses with bows in their hair, and the little boys...disgraceful. It make me sick to look at them; with their hair combed back, their collared shirts tucked in, shoes shined. These people were right out of a doll shop. What a bunch of fruitcakes!

As we entered, the fruitcake shop went silent, and stared at us. In the mixture of faces were looks of horror, disgust, curiosity and flat-out pomposity. We stared back with our own mixture of faces: shut up, I'll tear off your face, and you don't want to know what else.

The silence started to make my ears ring. Finally, Ralph took a step forward.

"Where's Sunday school held?" Ralph asked. No one even moved.

Ralph looked carefully and harshly and every face, looking for some sort of indication of an answer to his question.

"I haven't got all weekend, you pack of kooks!" Imogene yelled, sending her voice echoing through the room. Lucky me happened to stand right beside of her, so my poor ear caught most of it. "Tell us where you keep your cluster of spawns!"

This caused the pearly women and their lily-livered swain to nearly wet themselves with fright. No sooner had their bladders finished emptying did we hear singing coming from up a flight of stairs to our left.

_"While shepards watched heir flocks by night, all seated on the ground..."_

Like nails on a chalkboard.

Ralph's somber mouth mutated into a snarl as his head turned from the flight of stairs back over to the dandelion patch, that could only look on in terror as the sheep made themselves known to the wolves. The sheep these weirdoes so desperately tried to hide.

"Thanks for your time," Ralph's mocking voice crept over the crowd, sending them into panicky murmurs as we ran up the stairs towards the cake-gobbling sucklings they were hiding upstairs. Gladys roared at the nervous gawkers one final time before fleeing up the stairs to join us.

We reached the top of the stairs to a long, narrow hallway. This had to be where their brats were caged. It was covered in colorful construction papers based on Biblical stories. All I managed to make out of that garbage was a bunch of stupid-looking animals on a tiny boat and a big green hill with a big "T" on it. What in the world?

"Excellent work, children!" We heard a man's voice say from a distance. We followed the voice to the end of the hallway.

"Now we're going to try adding—" The man couldn't even finish. We burst right through the door. A tall man with brown hair stood in the room, clad in a blue vest and white collared shirt with khaki pants. Right in front of him were the passion fruits of the fruitcakes, legs crossed, mouths gaping in fear.

"C-Can I help you children?" The man stuttered.

"You sure can," Ralph stepped forward, smiling menacingly. "You can point us straight to that stash of desserts you feed these brats."

Ralph changed his gaze to the frightened children, who whimpered and clung to each other the minute Ralph's eyes fell on them.

"I..." The man was an idiot. He couldn't even speak properly. "I-I'm afraid I don't know—"

Imogene took big steps forward and took a fistful of the man's white shirt.

"Well start knowing." Imogene growled through clenched teeth. "I skipped breakfast so I could suck down this buffet you're hiding. Now you'd better not be wasting my time."

"I honestly don't know..." The man's voice grew to a higher pitch as he pleaded with Imogene.

"Maybe that wimpy Charlie Bradley kid knows," Claude piped up behind us. "I mean, you said he was the one who brought the Twinkies every day to school."

"Did you say Charlie Bradley?" The man asked. No stutter this time!

"What if I did?!" Claude jeered.

"It's just..." The man shrunk again. "Just...that's my son..."

"Excellent," Imogene released his collar. "Then you _do _know where to find the snacks."

"I'm sorry, I still don't—"

"Alright, look, pappy!" I stomped forward. I was losing my patience with this boy Barbie pretty quickly. "Your cub scout told me that every Sunday all your little anklebiters get refreshments while they listen to your chatter and sing these tasteless songs! Now the next time I ask, you'll be pulling my fist out of your nose! _Where are the refreshments?!_"

"We don't have any!" A small voice screamed from behind the quaking man. On her feet was a little blonde girl with pigtails in a red plaid dress and a pair of glasses. Her lip quivered as she struggled with her bravery to defend her terrified teacher.

"You don't have any?" Imogene said quietly, but threateningly. She stared down the little girl as if the gaze would combust her.

The little girl, unable to speak, just looked at the floor and roughly shook her head.

Ralph turned around to me, eyes burning.

"Leroy!" Ralph screeched my name like tires squealing across the asphalt. He grabbed my collar and shook me to my knees.

"That's what Bradley told me!" I struggled for my breath as my collar clawed my neck. "He told me they had it here!"

"Knock it off, Ralph!" Imogene smacked Ralph in the back of the head, causing him to release me. I gasped as Imogene pulled Ralph closer to her. "It's that Charlie kid. He lied to us. We need to get him back."

Before Ralph could answer, several doors from the hallway opened at one time, and out poured even more urchins from the classrooms. These people breed like cockroaches, don't they? Unbelievable.

My siblings and I left the room searching for Charlie Bradley so we could turn him every way but loose.

"Guys, wait up," Imogene yelled from behind us. We hadn't even noticed she'd fallen behind. We backed up until we reached her. She was staring at a flyer on a bulletin board that read: AFTER CHURCH: PAGEANT CASTING! ALL INTERESTED CHILDREN PLEASE MEET IN THE AUDITORIUM.

"What's a pageant?" Imogene looked at us. This is church talk. Like we'd know. We just shrugged, which made Imogene grumble impatiently.

"I'm gonna go get some answers," Imogene shoved past us. "Find the worm!"

The remainder of my siblings and I continued walking. Before I knew it, my siblings had scrambled to different parts of the level. Some had gone into classrooms where children still were (I knew because of the screaming), and some had already run ahead of me to make sure Charlie didn't leave without a word from us.

I hardly cared at that point. I was fuming with rage. That punk pulled a fast one on Leroy Herdman. Not a good action, Bradley.

Ahead of me, I saw a girl with long golden brown hair emerge from a classroom.

"See you tomorrow!" I heard her laugh to a friend before turning to walk away.

I know her. Beth Bradley. She's that squirt's sister. Perfect, then.

I pushed kids out of the way as I thundered up behind her. Kids who managed to look over their shoulders and see me coming were smart enough to clear a space as I stormed a straight path to Beth Bradley.

I reached out and grabbed a fistful of her hair and jerked her backwards. She gasped as she stumbled into me. I kept a firm grip on her hair in my left hand and I grabbed the side of her arm with my right hand, my fingers digging into her arm.

'"You tell that brother of yours that as soon as I catch him," I snarled in her ear. "I'll make him into your sister."

She said nothing, and avoided eye contact with me. I had nothing else to say to her, so threw her forward into a wall of stunned onlookers. She managed to catch herself before she fell down as I veered away from my audience and down the stairs.

Perhaps the single most embarrassing moment of my life, so far, was being duped by that gel-headed little creep. Little did I know what Imogene was about to drag my siblings and I into, when she came back to us minutes later with the definition of "Pageant."


	7. Leroy, Age 14: It's A Play!

**Leroy, Age 14: It's A Play!**

"It's a play!" Imogene startled us as she burst through the front doors of the church, to where the rest of my siblings and I were seated on the stairs.

"What is?" Ralph mumbled in disinterest as he picked at the opened seams of his fingerless gloves.

"The Pageant, idiot," Imogene smacked Ralph in the head as she sat down next to him. "The whole thing is a big play they put on every Christmas about..." – Imogene rolled her eyes – "...Jesus."

"And?" Gladys piped up, with her arms in a shrug. "How is that important?"

Imogene's mouth curled into a snarl. "I think we should check it out."

Every one of us groaned in reply.

"Why?" Claude moaned helplessly.

"Because I said so!" Imogene bit back. "I wanna be Mary this year."

"What for?" Ralph grumbled. "You don't care a lick about any of this stuff. Besides, why do all of us have to be in it?"

"Look at it this way," Imogene negotiated. "That punk Charlie's gonna be in it, AND, they give out all sorts of Christmas sweets during the rehearsals, AND, at the end of the show on Christmas Eve, they serve up hot chocolate, cookies, and candy canes! AND, I wanna see the look on Alice Wendlekin's face when they hand her role over to me."

"Who's that?" Ollie asked.

"She's the pretty thing that told me about the pageant," Imogene reminisced evilly. "Some ladies just can't hold their karate chops."

I took Claude by the back of his shirt collar and jerked him backwards so I could talk to him over Imogene's self-satisfied cackling.

"Do you think they're for real this time?" I asked. "Charlie duped us once before."

"Dunno," Claude shrugged. "But maybe--"

"Yes, you two morons," Imogene interrupted us. "I looked into it. I've asked around, and I've even checked the kitchen. I grabbed a few chocolate cookies from off the counter. Look at my teeth if you don't believe me."

Imogene opened her mouth wide, and Ralph looked inside at her back teeth for traces of leftover cookie.

"Never mind," Ralph recoiled. "It's in your breath."

Imogene smacked him in the head again, almost sending him tumbling down the stairs.

"Why didn't you bring us any?!" Ollie yelled at Imogene.

"Yeah! Why?!" Claude piped up.

"Shut up, you two!" Imogene yelled overtop of them. "I can do this show without you people if that's what you're asking. Do you want in or not?!"

"Yes." I said quietly.

No one spoke for a few seconds.

"Yeah, we're in," Ralph finally said.

"Let's go then," Imogene rose to her feet. "Those cookies are waiting for us."

Ollie and Claude raced each other to the door, with Gladys close behind them. I walked with Ralph and Imogene behind the three as she verbally guided us through the hallways to the kitchen.

"TURN LEFT! I SAID LEFT! NOW TO RIGHT UNTIL YOU REACH THE THIRD DOOR! NOW TURN RIGHT! RIGHT!!"

We turned left, right, left, left again, right, right, right again, then left, until we finally reached the kitchen. This church was like a corn maze. How many God-fearers are there?

As we piled into the kitchen, a woman with long, curly hair and glasses in a brown patterned dress stood merely feet in front of us holding a plate full of cookies. The biggest plate we'd ever seen, holding the biggest mountain of cookies we'd ever seen.

We just stood there, staring at the woman, as she stared back in fright.

Ralph extended a hand. "We'll take those."

The woman looked up and down at Ralph nervously.

"I don't think so, young man," The woman quietly protested. "These treats are for the children in the pageant!"

"We _are _in the pageant," Imogene stepped forward. "And you're looking at the future Mary. Now hand them over!"

Gladys ran toward the woman and roared, sending the woman stumbled backwards with a shout. Claude and Ollie ran for the plate as she fell, and began to play a cookie-projectile game of tug-of-war with the plate, shoving cookies into their mouths as they wrestled. Ralph, Imogene and I helped ourselves to the cookies on the plate, while Gladys vacuumed up whatever fell on the floor. She didn't mind in the slightest.

Suddenly, we heard a small voice gasp in horror. We looked over at the petrified face of a little girl with shoulder-length blonde hair, with a red headband in her hair. She glanced over at the fallen woman, who could just stare on at us gobbling up the cookies.

"Hey there," Gladys walked casually forward. "Nice headband."

The girl inched backward, putting a hand on her headband.

"Let me try it on, okay?" Gladys smiled.

The girl just shook her head, and Gladys' smile turned a full 180 as she chased the girl down the hallway, finally socking her right in the stomach before ripping the headband off of her head.

"Now, you little children will be our angels..." We heard a woman's voice say. It was coming from far away.

Imogene groaned loudly. "They've already started. Hurry up, let's go!"

Gladys fidgeted with her new headband as she laughed in triumph, and my siblings and I stormed straight towards the auditorium.


	8. Leroy, Age 14: Casting Call

**Leroy, Age 14 : Casting Call**

We could hear a mumbling female voice coming from inside the auditorium. The doors to the inside were cracked a bit so the sprout we had just annihilated could get back in. No such luck. Ralph pushed open the doors, and we walked straight down the lane, between the pews, straight up behind a woman with shoulder-length dark brown hair, curled at the end slightly. She spoke softly but with authority to the children who sat facing her on the stairs up to the podium. They recoiled in terror as we approached, and stopped inches behind the woman.

"And if any of you have old bathrobes at home..." The woman finally began to notice the attention was no longer on her.

"Now, what's the matter?" The woman asked.

She followed the shivering sprites' eyes, straight into the faces of my siblings and I, which caused her to jump slightly. If that wasn't enough, Gladys emerged from between Ralph's legs, on her hands and knees, and roared at the woman, nearly sending her toppling backwards. My siblings chuckled in response.

The woman was clearly searching for her words, but finally said, "Well, let's...all welcome the Herdmans!"

Wimpy "hi"s and quiet crying emerged randomly throughout the group.

My siblings and I scattered across the room, sitting beside each set of children. I walked by the herd of brats, eying each and every one of them, until my eyes fell on none other than Charlie Bradley. I stared him down, torturing him in my mind, and he just stared back, lips trembling.

"What happened to Beverly?" The woman asked.

Who?

Oh, yeah. Gladys' meat.

"I think she went home," Gladys popped up, fumbling with a red headband. It obviously came off of the dead child in the hallway. "I think she got...sick." Gladys smiled up at the woman.

"Did she say she was sick?" the concerned woman inquired, as Gladys examined her hunting trophy.

"NO," Gladys moaned back. "She just LEFT. All I did was, I just said, 'Hi Beverly!' ...and she just...left."

My siblings chuckled with each other at Gladys' brilliant speech.

"I see," The woman clearly didn't believe Gladys, who sat back down and began to chew on the headband. "Well, will someone please tell Beverly about the rehearsals, the next four Wednesdays after school. Please plan to be here for every one!"

"What if we get sick?" A voice piped up to my right.

Seated a few stairs down from me was...ah. I knew this character. The minister's son, Elmer Hopkins. Charmed, I'm sure, Son Of A Preacher Man. I'm surprised Ralph hasn't handled you yet. You're about his age, I think.

"They won't get sick," The woman reassured him. "Mary and Joseph must absolutely be here for every rehearsal!"

I didn't know what _that _statement had to do with anything.

"What if THEY get sick?" Elmer persisted.

"They won't get sick!" The woman shook him off.

"Well, Beverly got 'sick' and we haven't even started yet," Elmer continued. This kid is obsessed with getting sick. There's a word for people like that...what it is I wasn't sure.

"We don't _know _that Beverly got sick," The woman nervously eyed Gladys, who grinned in reply. The woman flipped through the pages of a thick leather book, and marked her place with her thumb as she snapped back into work mode and slowly paced in front of us.

"Now, I want you to think about Mary. We all know what kind of a person she was," The woman looked like she was about to get lost in a romantic daydream. Who the heck is Mary and why is she special?!

"She was kind, and gentle, and caring...and the girl who plays Mary should try to be that kind of person. Now, who would like to volunteer?"

I saw the arm of Imogene's Alice Wendlekin twitch slightly. Lovely. I figured she would volunteer. But then...she didn't. She just stared straight ahead with a queasy expression on her face. Soon afterwards, to my left, I saw a cigar pop straight into the air...Imogene?!

"Did you have a question, Imogene?" the woman asked, approaching Imogene.

Yeah! Did you have a question, Imogene?

"No," Imogene snapped back. "I wanna be Mary!"

You _what?!_

"And Ralph, over there..." Imogene pointed to Ralph, who was seated between Imogene and me. "...he wants to be Joseph."

Ralph piped up from his slumping position.

"Yeah! Right!" Ralph laughed in agreement. He turned towards me laughing, and I laughed along with him, though I wasn't sure what was going on.

Apparently, neither did this woman.

"Oh," The woman sputtered. "Well...I'll just make a list of volunteers and we'll all decide who it should be!"

The woman produced a pencil and a piece of paper from her book.

"Ralph Herman...would like to be Joseph..." The woman wrote nervously. "Now, who else would like to volunteer? Elmer, did you raise your hand?"

Did he? I didn't even see him moved. He was too mortified to think I was sitting inches behind him.

"No," Elmer turned swiftly around to meet her eyes, begging her not to volunteer him. Finally, his eyes met the flaming eyes of Ralph and me, and turned his head back around to face away from us.

"Well, raise your hand..." The woman said anxiously. No reply from Stony. "...Just raise your hands? Any volunteers?...any of you shepherds?"

The boys in front of me bowed their head and gently shook them. I followed the woman's gaze down to Charlie who mouthed to her desperate pleas not to give him the role.

Aha! So _that's _who this character is. Charlie Bradley's _mama_! This is rich stuff! The whole family's here!

"Very well," The woman...I mean, Mrs. Bradley...said. "Ralph Herdman will be our Joseph."

Darn right.

"Now, Imogene has volunteered to be..." The woman could barely get the words out of her mouth. She couldn't bear to make the connection of this biblical pop tart to my sister. "...Mary…Now, what other names can I put on my list?"

Her attention fell to the Barbies sitting cozy next to Imogene, taking in the yummy scent of her recently burned cigar.

"Maxine?" Mrs. Bradley smiled. 'Maxine', however, shook her head politely, even though I knew what she was thinking: "You're an idiot if you think I'm going up against Imogene Herdman."

"Beth," Mrs. Bradley moved down the line, straight to her daughter, as if to beg her to take the role.

Beth just looked up at her mother, but her gaze went back down to Alice, who she was quietly trying to urge to take the role.

"Alice?" Mrs. Bradley cooed Imogene's toy. "Don't you want to be Mary?"

"No," Alice replied remorsefully. "I...don't want to."

"I'LL be Mary!" Gladys leaped straight into the air, Imogene following soon after.

"Shut up, Gladys!" Imogene snarled. "I'm already Mary! You be a..." – Imogene struggled with the name – "...Wise Man."

The woman crept up behind Imogene.

"Well, the Wise Men are usually boys-"

Imogene twirled around and glared down the woman, who recoiled.

"Leroy!" Ralph thumped me on the arm. "Take it! Get in there!"

I nodded to agreement.

"...Of course they don't have to be..."

"_I'll _be a Wise Man!" I announced myself, like Gary Cooper had just entered the building.

"Me too!" Ollie stood up. "Claude, you wanna be a Wise Man? Raise your hand!" Ollie whacked Claude on the shoulder to get him up.

"Wait a minute!" Claude yelled back. "What's a Wise Man?"

"Just raise your hand, Claude!" Ralph stood up and ordered his brother.

"What's left to be?" Gladys asked.

"Some angel," Imogene recounted her 2-minute bulletin board study of the show.

"I'll be that!" Gladys agreed.

As soon as she accepted the role, however, her smile turned into a confused, toothy frown. She walked over to Mrs. Bradley, who you can tell wanted to run the other way.

"But...what is it?" Gladys asked.

"It's...The Angel of the Lord!" Mrs. Bradley catered to the other kids, advertising Gladys' role to some other useless tike. "...who brings the good news to the shepherds!"

At the word shepherds, hands shot up.

"There!" Mrs. Bradley said happily, viciously scrubbing names onto her paper. "We do have some volunteers after all!"

As she wrote, a small boy stood up. He didn't even come up to my waist. He was...actually kinda cute. Like a puppy...I wanted to kick him.

"Hobie, did you want to be a Wise Man?" Mrs. Bradley responded to his rise.

"No, I just wanted to say I can be a shepherd," 'Hobie' wrung his hands, keeping his eyes on Mrs. Bradley. "We're going to...Philadelphia."

"Well, why didn't you say so before?" Mrs. Bradley's inner groan was so clear I could almost hear it.

"I..." Hobie searched his head. "...just remembered."

Yet another boy stood up. Very light blond hair, gelled back nicely (strike one).

"My mother doesn't want me to be a shepherd," The boy said to Mrs. Bradley.

"Why not?" Mrs. Bradley went to him with impatience in her voice.

I could tell this buttercup was ready to melt down.

"I don't know," The boy responded, as he cautiously looked over his shoulder at me.

Don't look at me so casually.

I growled at him in return, which caused him to spin back around.

"She just said, 'Don't be a shepherd!'" ...and _that _was the kid's excuse.

"I'm not going to be a shepherd!" Charlie stood up beside of the boy.

"Oh, yes you are!" His mommy snapped back at him.

Charlie sank back down with an obedient, "Yes ma'am." I had to laugh at this scenario; the kid was like a show dog.

"What's the matter with all of you?" Mrs. Bradley looked around at the crowd, exasperated.

"I don't want to be a shepherd!" Elmer finally stood up and confessed. "Gladys Herdman hits too hard!"

So you two have met, huh? I laughed in agreement with this fact.

"Gladys isn't going to hit anybody!" Mrs. Bradley told Elmer.

"That's what you think," Ralph whispered under his breath, causing Imogene and me to laugh.

"The Angel of the Lord just visits the shepherds in the field and tells them Jesus is born--"

"And hits them!" Elmer cut Mrs. Bradley off.

My siblings and I added a final chuckle as Gladys flexed her muscles for the bystanders.

"Elmer, that's ridiculous," Mrs. Bradley said sternly. "And I don't want to hear another word about it, from anyone! No shepherds may quit, or get sick!"

The room was sickeningly quiet. I could hear the nervous stomachs of the chiddlers.

"Well, that's all for today, boys and girls, you can go," Mrs. Bradley finally said.

The sproutlings scrambled like bugs from under a lifted rock, and my siblings took their picks of the litter and followed them off for the kill. Charlie was stupid enough to run past me, and ran even faster once I slapped him as hard as I could in the back. I tromped after him as screams emerged from the hallways. Clearly, some captures had been made.

I grabbed Charlie by his slick, plasticky hair and drew him in.

"Nice act, Bradley," I yelled in his ear, with the full intention of sending him home with ringing eardrums. "We owe it all to you, kid. If it weren't for your brave performance telling me about this imaginary Candyland of yours, we wouldn't have gotten the privilege to perform in this pathetic pageant of yours."

Charlie watched me nervously out of the corner of his eye as he shivered like an earthquake.

"So, since you've made amends for your stunt," – I threw him forward, releasing his hair as I did. – "I won't kill you. At least not today."

"Mrs. Bradley!!" I heard a girl scream.

Charlie and I both looked down the hallway; Gladys had a girl with long brown hair pinned to the ground, fists full of her hair, chewing on her arms.

"Human flesh! Yum, yum, yum!" Gladys roared in satisfaction.

Finally, when Gladys realized the girl's arm was covered in enough slobber and bite marks, she moved straight to the back of the girl's neck, opened her mouth wide, and clamped down.

"MRS. BRADLEY!!" The girl cried out desperately.

The spawnroaches could only watch and cry; after all, there was little they could do. Whoever wasn't ensnared in the iron arms and fists of Ralph and Imogene was backed into a corner by Claude and Ollie, who had retrieved butter knives from the kitchen and make stabbing gestures toward the terrified kids, shouting, "Back, tigers! Get back!"

Mrs. Bradley ran as fast as her heels could carry her out into the hallway to investigate.

"Gladys! No! No biting!" Mrs. Bradley ran to save Gladys' prey.

Gladys stood up on top of the girl, made her hands into clawed, and screeched at Mrs. Bradley, who was now too afraid to approach.

Obviously, this dollhouse knew who was _really _in charge. Leroy: Cowboy Gunslinger, and his band of companions.

Yeah...I like that name.


	9. Leroy, Age 14 : The Voices Of Protest

Leroy, Age 14 : The Voices Of Protest

Suddenly, this lame Christmas pageant was the best show in existence. After all, Mrs. Bradley's casting choice was remarkable: Herdmans in lead role. Brilliant! It's only natural that the jealous parties would have something to say about it. It was all the rage at Sunday school that weekend. The kids – especially Alice – wouldn't shut up about it.

I tromped past squads of children in the hallways, looking for my siblings. Sunday squat had wrapped up for the day, and it was off to rehearsal. I hardly needed to rehearse. I was a perfect actor already. I suppose we did need to teach the amateurs how to do it, and who better to teach them than Leroy Herdman?

I turned the corner into another hallway, which was very empty. Twilight Zone empty. It was almost scary.

"Vera? Irma Slocum..." A woman's voice echoed from another room. "I just heard that Imogene Herdman is going to play Mary in the Christmas pageant!"

I stopped walking, and listened carefully for which room the voice was coming from. I went a few doors down until I found the room. I peeked my head through the doorway long enough to confirm, and once I saw the back of the woman talking on the phone, I hid back outside the doorway.

"Is that a fact? All six of them?!" The woman exclaimed. "Vera, I live next door to that outfit and I'd rather live next door to a zoo! Has Grace gone crazy?"

I made a confused face.

_What? _I said in my mind. _No you don't. My next-door neighbors are an old lady and a truck driver from Tennessee. I've hit every house in my neighborhood. You haven't been there a day in your life, lady._

"How could all six of them end up in the Christmas pageant when they ought to be in jail!" The woman continued to gripe. "We'd better nail down the church and lock up the silver service, AND hide the collection plates before they clean them out!"

Okay, now you're getting on my nerves, Chatty Cathy. I made a fist and knocked at the doorway. I knocked gently, so perhaps she'd think it was a spawnroach.

"Oh! Edna, I've got to go, I think someone is knocking," The woman finally said. "Okay...Yes, I'll talk to Grace...Okay, well, I hope you feel better soon! Yes, goodbye."

The woman hung up the phone and walked to the doorway. She poked her head out, and looked opposite the direction of where I was standing.

"Yes?" She called out. When she finally looked over, she jumped at the sight of me.

"_Jail_, huh?" I smiled menacingly. "A jail couldn't hold us."

The woman tried to maintain composure as she stood there staring, but I could tell she was about to wet herself with fear.

"Are you worried about the Christmas pageant, lady?" I walked towards her slowly, threateningly. "You should be. My brothers and sisters and I have got that idiotic pageant in our fists. You seem educated, so here's some education from me: Watch your back, and your mouth, because if you, or any of your pretty friends do or say anything that my siblings and I don't like too much, we'll rip that pageant apart right in front of you! Have you ever seen a firework go off indoors? It's a real smash."

Now that woman's mouth was gaping like a suffocating carp.

"You should see my sister as Mary with that doll," I chuckled. "She's got a way with kids."

I stuck my fist in the air and made a lasso motion. Now the woman was covering her gaping mouth.

"No need to fret," I faked politeness. "You keep your end of the deal and we'll keep ours. Show the respect we richly deserve, and your lovely pageant stays in one piece. Run along."

Immediately the woman took off running the other way (if one could call it running; more like sliding as if her heels were made of lead.)

"Leroy!" A voice called from behind me. I looked over at Imogene, who was standing at the corner of the hallway where I had just come from. "We've been looking all over for you! Let's get to rehearsal! They're already starting to complain!"

"Ask me if I care what they're doing," I moaned, walking over to her. "I'm hungry."


	10. Leroy, Age 14: From Crap To Magic

Leroy, Age 14: From Crap To Magic

It was the scariest thing I'd seen in a while: Mrs. Bradley paced back and forth across the church auditorium stage, indicating where everything would go once it came in. My siblings and I followed as we listened, even though it sounded like a bunch of gobbledygook.

"The inn is back here, offstage!" Mrs. Bradley dramatically gestured offstage. I still wasn't following. "...and the shepherds come in and gather around the manger..."

"Where'd all these shepherds come from, anyway?" I asked my siblings, confused.

"Yeah, and what's an inn?" Claude piped up.

Before Mrs. Bradley could answer, Elmer sat up.

"It's like a motel, where people go to spend the night..." He seemed like he wanted to be helpful, but was afraid to be.

"What people? Jesus?" Claude asked him.

"Oh, honestly!" The obnoxious voice that made my ears ring. We all looked over at Alice and her notebook. "Jesus wasn't even born yet! Mary and Joseph went there."

"Why?" Ralph asked.

"To pay their taxes," Elmer replied. I'm detecting some sarcasm. Not a smooth move.

"At a motel?!" Ollie exclaimed, bewildered. Obviously he didn't detect it.

Imogene stood by rubbing her temples as the ping-pong match bounced between my siblings and the roaches.

"Shut up, Ollie!" Imogene finally spoke up. "Everybody SHUT UP!"

Instantly the room went silent. That's my sister for you. I quietly eyed each of the kids with a lavish smile on my face. Fear: I absorb and feast on it.

"I want to hear _her_," Imogene walked over to Mrs. Bradley. "Begin at the beginning."

"The beginning?" Mrs. Bradley asked in clarification.

Imogene rolled her eyes.

"The beginning of the PLAY," Imogene mouthed out for her. "What happens first?"

"Imogene, this is the Christmas story from the Bible," Mrs. Bradley smiled, as if that answered the whole stinking question. "Haven't you heard the Christmas story from the Bible?"

Imogene looked at me, I looked at Ollie, Ollie looked at Claude, Claude looked at Ralph, Ralph looked at Gladys, Gladys gnawed her own shoe.

Doesn't ring the slightest bell.

"Well, that's what the Christmas pageant is...the Christmas story from the Bible..." Mrs. Bradley stuttered. "...I'd better read it to you."

Mrs. Bradley wandered offstage as my siblings and I took a seat. The kids around us moaned and grumbled. Clearly, they thought the pageant was as exciting as we thought it was.

Mrs. Bradley climbed up a small set of stairs back onto the stage with a Bible in her hand.

"Now, a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed," Mrs. Bradley began. So that's the butt-ache that taxed us? What a wad.

We listened with full attention to the story...I was heavily awaiting some violence.

"...and Joseph from Galilee with Mary his wife, who was great with child..."

"PREGNANT!" Ralph suddenly cried. "She was pregnant!"

Oh! So 'great with child' meant 'pregnant'. Well if that's what they meant, why didn't they just say pregnant? Well, apparently, that was hilarious. The spawnroaches chuckled amongst themselves, whispering the word 'pregnant' to each other. How is that funny?!

"Okay, that's enough! We all know that Mary was pregnant," Mrs. Bradley's tone changed to annoyed. "...And it came to pass, while they were there, that the days were accomplished that she should be delivered, and she brought forth her firstborn son..."

_What are Alice and Beth whispering about over there? _I wondered.

"...and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn,"

Laid him in a what? How do you spell that? M-A-Y-N-J-E-R?

"My god! They didn't have room for JESUS?!" Imogene spouted out, mortified.

"Well, nobody knew the baby was going to be Jesus," Mrs. Bradley explained.

"Didn't he know?!" Imogene knocked Ralph over the head. "Didn't Mary know? What was the matter with Joseph that he didn't tell them? Her pregnant and everything..."

"What's a manger?" I managed to get a word in sideways. "Some kind of bed?"

"Well they didn't have a bed in the barn, so Mary had to use whatever there was," Mrs. Bradley answered. I guess she saw the confused look on my face, because she kept talking. "What would you do if you had a new baby and no bed to put it in?"

"We put Gladys in a bureau drawer," Imogene fished out an example.

"Oh...well...there you go!" Mrs. Bradley replied, slightly taken aback. "You didn't have a bed for Gladys, so you had to use something else!"

"Oh, we had a bed, only Ollie was still in it and he wouldn't get out," Ralph recounted. Ollie smiled awkwardly. "He didn't like Gladys...remember when you didn't like Gladys?"

I remember that incident! That was something else. My siblings and I got caught up in a big field of fluffy nostalgic laughter, except for Gladys, who only growled.

"_Anyway_," Mrs. Bradley yelled over us. "A manger is a large feeding trough for animals."

Imogene made a face.

"What were the wadded up clothes?" Claude asked.

"The what?" Mrs. Bradley ducked down to listen.

"It says in there!" Claude gestured to the book in Mrs. Bradley's hand. "She wrapped him in wadded up clothes."

"Oh!" Mrs. Bradley finally got it. "_Swaddling _clothes. People used to wrap babies up in big pieces of material to help them feel cozy..."

"You mean they tied him up and put him in a FEEDBOX?!" Imogene again cried out. "Where was the Child Welfare?!"

"Yeah! Gladys spoke up. "The Child Welfare's at _our _house every five minutes."

"There wasn't Child Welfare in Bethlehem!" Alice glared at us with narrow eyes.

"I'll say there wasn't!" Imogene shot back, causing Alice to shrink.

"And there were shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night," Mrs. Bradley continued to read in order to keep the peace. "And lo, an Angel of the Lord appeared to them, and--"

"_SHAZAM!_" Gladys screamed at the top of her lungs, fists in the air.

There she goes. Gladys' life revolved around imitating the Mighty Marvo from the comic books we stole for her.

"What?!" Mrs. Bradley yelped, startled.

"Out of the black night! With HORRIBLE vengeance!" Gladys slowly took the beach goggles from around her head and placed them menacingly on her eyes. She played to the children in front of her, who held each other and wrote out their wills in their heads.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Gladys," Mrs. Bradley replied, soundly slightly annoyed, but still keeping her guard.

What an uncultured woman.

"The Mighty Marvo, in Amazing Comics," Gladys returned the annoyed tone, as if she were a teacher educating a 5-year-old. "Out of the black night, with horrible vengeance!"

"Gladys, this is the Angel of the Lord, who appeared to the shepherds," Mrs. Bradley persisted to pour a bucket of water over the fire of Gladys' entertainment.

"But...out of NOWHERE, right?" Gladys grinned. "In the BLACK NIGHT!...right?"

"Well..." Mrs. Bradley again searched her head. "In a way..."

Gladys nodded, as if to say, "There. I knew it."

"SHAZAM!" Gladys jumped into the air and soared towards the kids, who sailed immediately over to Mrs. Bradley, yelping as they went. My brothers and I cackled at this sight, and Imogene smirked past her cigar. Gladys plopped down in their place, satisfied with herself.

It was obvious that Mrs. Bradley's head was inches from exploding. You could see it in the way she fumbled with the pages of the biblie.

"Now, when Jesus was born," Mrs. Bradley spoke louder to calm the noise of the cockroaches. "there came Wise Men from the East, bearing gifts of gold, and frankincense..."

"What's that?" Claude's head tipped to the side.

"...and myrrh..." Mrs. Bradley tried to ignore Claude.

"What's that?" Ollie repeated.

Mrs. Bradley lowered her book, somewhat annoyed, to speak to us.

"They were special things," She replied. "Spices, precious oils--"

"OIL!?" Imogene cackled. "What kinda present is OIL? We get better presents from the welfare!"

"Were they the welfare? The Wise Men?" I asked.

I mean hey, they're bringing this baby free stuff, and obviously since they were in a barn, they were somewhat lower class, right?

"They were kings," Mrs. Bradley replied. "and they were sent--"

"Well it's about time somebody important showed up!" Imogene jumped up. "If they're kings, they can get the baby out of the barn..." –Imogene turned to Ralph and me with a wicked grin curling over her face. –"...and tell that innkeeper where to GET OFF!"

Ralph laughed in satisfaction, as if he had already done the job himself.

"They were sent by Herod," Mrs. Bradley continued. "Herod was...well, he was the main king, and he wanted to find Jesus and have him put to death."

Imogene's grin fell to the floor, and she spun around to Mrs. Bradley, who nearly jumped backwards at Imogene's sudden approach.

"MY GOD!" Imogene exclaimed in horror. "He just got born! They're gonna kill a _baby_?!"

Ralph gritted his teeth and rose to his feet. The kids in front of him cowered as he walked forward, glaring at each of them.

"Who's Herod in this play?" He yelled back to Mrs. Bradley.

"Herod isn't in the play," She replied, almost relieved.

WHAT? He wasn't?!

"So he's out to kill the baby and he isn't even in the play?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What joke wrote this mess?

"Well somebody _better _be Herod!" Imogene looked around the room.

Almost at once, we all looked at Charlie.

"Let Charlie be Herod!" Imogene extended a finger at Charlie, whose lip was now quivering. "And he says, 'Go get me that baby!' And they say okay, because he a king and all..."

It immediately turned into a round robin story.

"But then they don't do it!" Ollie jumped on. "They go back and get Herod!"

"I'm not going to be Herod!" Charlie hid behind mommy.

"No one is going to be Herod!" Mrs. Bradley eyed her spawn.

"NO!" Claude's voice silenced the chatter. He rose up at a painful, burning pace. "Joseph gets all the shepherds together...AND THEY GO WIPE OUT HEROD!"

Claude's arms turned into machine guns, and the children went flying throughout the auditorium, orchestrated by the sounds of Claude's gun and Ralph, Ollie and my demonic noises.

"See?!" Charlie's voice went high-pitched. "They're gonna put one in! And it's gonna be me! I'm gonna get killed!"

The whole room suddenly went silent with the absence of the brats, who had now fled the room. Imogene looked over at Charlie, and her face came inches from his.

"Boo."

Charlie took off running to who knows where, faster than any dog I've ever seen. Imogene tilted her head to the heavens and laughed in triumph.

"Forget about Herod! There's no Herod!" Mrs. Bradley was about to hit hysterics as she ran after Charlie.

"And I'll run away with the baby til the fight's over!" Imogene built on.

"You know, somebody oughta fix the innkeeper!" Ralph backtracked, making sure every villain met their proper maker. "Hey Gladys! You go wipe out the innkeeper!"

"But I can't!" Gladys walked over to him and whimpered. "I'm an angel."

"Well, I wouldn't just hang around in the barn!" Imogene huffed. "I'd go get a room."

"She said there wasn't any room!" Claude approached Imogene and talked down to her.

"Then I'd throw somebody out!" Imogene shoved him backwards in defense. "I'd tell them 'I got this baby and it's the middle of winter!' So either get out or move over!"

"I'd go after ol' Herod!" Ralph brushed his hair back pridefully.

"I'd send the angel after him!" I ran forward, knocking Ralph out of the way. "She could just point her electric finger"—Like so.—"and turn him into a like of ASHES!" I laughed in hysterics. Gladys stepped forward and zapped at different areas in the now empty auditorium.

"What's the name of this play?" Ollie's voice rose up to quiet us. "She never said."

"Chrismas pageant!" Claude now spoke down to Ollie.

Ollie turned to Claude and snatched up two fistfuls of Claude's shirt.

"That's no name! That's what it is!" Ollie threw Claude away from him, leaving Claude to barely catch himself onto his feet.

"I know a name! I know a name!" Gladys bounced up and down with a hand in the air. We crowded around to listen. "...REVENGE AT BETHLEHEM!"

I couldn't have named it better myself.


	11. Leroy, Age 14: Boring

**Leroy, Age 14: Boring**

It was a few days before our show lifted off the ground, and I was already completely bored. Imogene was thrilled, of course, because she had the fun role. She got to throw that ugly doll around. I don't get _anything _to mess with. Some play.

We walked into the auditorium and had a seat on the stage. We took a casual glance over at Alice and Beth, who were whispering over some notebook in Alice's hands. Probably a diary. How special. It probably reads about "cute" boys and the latest make-up. I hate girls.

Finally, Mrs. Bradley walked in, with the rest of the pageant cast pouring in on either side of her like she was the stinkin' Pied Piper.

I heard a door open to my right...and it was that woman again! That woman we took the cookies from the other week. Ralph and I grinned from ear to ear and gave a friendly wave, and her lips curled downward in disgust. She got Mrs. Bradley's attention, and they drifted over to the far left edge of the stage to have a conversation...which I struggled to hear, but they whispered the whole time. Uggh!

Imogene said something about applesauce cake

"Are those the shoes you found in the back yard?" Ralph nudged me on the leg, causing my attention to switch to him.

"Oh...yeah, they are," I smiled, looking down at my spiffy lime-green converse.

"Grace!" The woman suddenly exclaimed, causing the whole room of chattering spawn to fall silent. "...no! I could make up some lie and tell you the baby is sick, or cranky, or something...but the truth is that she's perfectly healthy and happy...and we all want her to stay that way."

...Huh?

The woman glanced over at my siblings and me.

"So we're certainly not going to hand her over to Imogene Herdman," she kept her eye on us the whole time. "Sorry, Grace."

Why, that curly-headed piece of...

...if only she had been within reach as she walked back out that right-hand door...I'd have smacked some straightening back into her head.

"Mrs. Bradley!" A voice piped up from my left. "You can have my little brother for Jesus!"

It was David. Great.

"I didn't know you had a new baby, David!" Mrs. Bradley smiled sweetly, as if she were speaking to baby Jesus himself.

"He's not new, he's 4 years old," David explained. "But he's double-jointed, and he can probably scrunch up..."

I heard Imogene snarl impatiently.

"I'll get us a baby," she grumbled.

"How can you do that?" Mrs. Bradley turned to Imogene with worry in her voice.

"There's always two or three in carriages outside of the supermarket," Imogene said with a 'duh' in her voice. "I'll get one of them!"

"Imogene!" Mrs. Bradley exclaimed. It was as if Imogene shot a bullet into the air or something. "You cannot just take someone else's baby!"

"Why not?" I poked Ralph. "We'll bring it back."

Ralph shrugged.

"It's not like we'll mess it up or anything," I spat.

"Not much," Ralph chuckled. I buried my mouth in my hands to keep from laughing out loud.

Mrs. Bradley put her hands to her Bible, as if pleading. "Just forget about a baby...we'll just use the doll."

I was sure Imogene was gonna snap for sure. I mean, it's not every day that Imogene offers to do the work.

But she didn't. She just laughed.

"...yeah, that's better anyway!" Imogene held the doll up by its head and jiggled it around. "A doll can't BITE."

Imogene walked forward, preparing to get into her spot for the show, when Mrs. Bradley reached her hand towards her.

"Imogene, you know Mary didn't wear earrings," Mrs. Bradley remarked.

"I _have _to wear these!" Imogene teased the small gold loop around her right ear. "I got my ears pierced, and if I don't keep something in them, they'll grow together."

"Well, they won't grow together in an hour and a half," Mrs. Bradley replied in frustration. "What did the doctor say?"

...what a random question. Doctor? What's that got to do with it?

"What doctor?" Imogene finally took the words from my mouth.

"Well, who pierced your ears?" Mrs. Bradley asked.

Imogene pointed far left. "Gladys!"

We all looked in Gladys' direction, who was posed like Superman...because she _is _Superman.

That was a brand-spankin'-new definition of "there will be blood". I eventually had to leave the room when that was taking place. Fat lot of good it did. Even from outside, I could hear Imogene's wails as Gladys' canine tooth macheted its was through her earlobe.

Stumbling over her surprise, Mrs. Bradley's voice returned.

"Well, we'll find something smaller..." Mrs. Bradley studied Imogene's clothing. "Now, is that your costume? Is that what you're going to wear?"

Imogene held up her hands in an annoyed shrug.

"You're supposed to have your costumes on today!" Mrs. Bradley told the group.

That would explain why Beth, Alice, Elmer and Charlie were dressed like imbeciles.

Suddenly, like a Whack-A-Mole game, children popped up all over the crowd.

"I can't find my halo!" Hand-Shrug Attack!

"My wings are all bent!" Hand-To-Hip!

"Janet's got my robe!" Saddened Arm-Cross!

"My mother doesn't have any white sheets," Back over here to Hand-Shrug Attack. "Can I wear a sheet with balloons all over it?"

Ralph suddenly laughed through his lips, causing beads of spit to fly everywhere.

Suddenly, up stood that tiny one from before...Hobie, was it?

"I haven't got a costume," He said as he stood. "I was never a shepherd before."

Up stood my best buddy Charlie.

"You have to wear your father's bathrobe," Charlie glared down at his robe-clad self. "That's what I have to wear."

"He hasn't got a bathrobe," Hobie replied.

Charlie eyed him with pure, shiny curiosity...with a hint of fascination.

"Then what does he hang around the house in?" Charlie asked.

Hobie just eyed him back, almost as if he didn't want to reply.

Finally..."His underwear."

This time, Ralph and I both laughed through our lips. I managed to hear Imogene cackling as I buried my face in my hands, making sure it didn't shake off from how hard I was laughing.

"All right, all right," Mrs. Bradley's voice rose up above the laughter. "Just pretend you're wearing costumes."

"Are we going through the whole thing?" David grumbled.

"Yes, of course," Mrs. Bradley replied. Groans reared up from the roaches.

My siblings acted excited, but I had done this so many times, I could do this show in my coffin.

"First we're just gonna practice the entrances," Mrs. Bradley opened her Holy Biblie. "...so go where you're supposed to be."

Claude, Ollie and I took off to the right, preparing to leap on.

The piano lady seated herself, and the big fun whoo-hoo began.

"We'll start with the shepherds," Mrs. Bradley seated herself on a pew in the front row. "Just read the last few words, Maxine."

Maxine, standing at the edge of the stage readily, read out of her book.

"...shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night..."

"Music...shepherds!" Mrs. Bradley threw a dramatic gesture towards the right side of the stage, where the shepherds were stuffed like sardines.

The piano played some song. I think we were supposed to learn it, but I never did.

The angels read from that Greek textbook of a songbook, covered in lines and squiggly things, and sang some stupid Christmas song to back the shepherds up. Alice Wendlekin had a big stupid grin on her face as if she had the most beautiful voice on earth.

In came the bathrobe-clad rabble, complete with the two shortest boys dressed in sheep outfits. My fingers tingled, as if they were begging to me to grab one and play catch with him.

"And an Angel of the Lord appeared," Maxine read Gladys' cue. "And-"

Maxine never finished the line. Out tromps Gladys with an Executioner's mask on her head...is that the one we got her for her birthday the other year?

"SHAZAM!" Gladys threw her fists into the air and she slammed her soles down on the stage.

The only part of Gladys' face we could see past that oversized mask was her gaping mouth, wailing in triumph.

"No, Gladys!"

...and who better to spoil the fun than the Bradley wife. She sighed in frustration as she took Gladys by the shoulders and positioned her above the shepherds.

Gladys' lips met in an irritated frown, and she waited for Mrs. Bradley to return to her seat before resuming her _proper _lines.

"...OUT OF THE BLACK NIGHT!" Gladys screamed, flying around the shepherds in a big circle.

"NO!" Mrs. Bradley swung out a demanding finger in her direction.

I was fully prepared for Gladys to run up and bite that finger off, but instead she groaned loudly and stomped offstage, pushing shepherds as she went.

"Go on, Maxine," Mrs. Bradley sighed off the dramatic exit.

"...and a multitude of the heavenly host..." Maxine continued.

"Music...angels!" A glimmer of hope and great expectations seemed to appear in Mrs. Bradley's eyes.

Except this time, they were even worse. Baby angels were either yawning, coughing, or just plain flat. That song was officially renamed, "Angels We Have Heard On _Dry_".

"Music, Wise Men!"

Ollie trumped out onto the stage obliviously as the music began. I was smart enough to wait for the cue, but of course Claude, who was right behind me, pushed me out as soon as he saw Ollie moving.

I walked across the stage, bored to suicide, when suddenly my ears were filled with chalkboards being viciously attacked by forks. I looked over disgustedly at the talentless angels to my left, almost amazed at how horrific they sounded.

All of a sudden, Ollie stumbled, and I almost slammed into the back of him. He clutched the side of his head in pain, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Claude pointing at me. What's going on?

"LEROY!" Ollie yelled.

"WHAT?" I got into his face and dared him to try me.

Ollie then grabbed me by the collar and shot me backwards, straight into Claude. I felt Claude's hand clamp around my neck and saw Ollie ready to throw a punch. Between getting my neck broken or my nose broken, I struggled with the two of them to block both attacks.

"I've got the baby over here!" Imogene beckoned to us, distracting my brothers.

I threw Claude's hand off my neck, and we walked over to the spots Mrs. Bradley gave us and plopped straight down.

Imogene slapped Ralph in the arm for attempting to grab the doll in her arms. "Don't touch him! I'VE NAMED HIM JESUS!"

My brothers and I laughed at Imogene as she held the baby by its head and stuck it straight up into the air.

"No, no, no!" Mrs. Bradley raced onstage. "You don't say anything! Mary doesn't say anything!"

I could tell her nerves were beginning to fray.

Ralph's hands locked around the doll leg, and a tug-of-war between Imogene and Ralph began. Mrs. Bradley to speak over Imogene's protesting screams and Ralph's mocking laughter.

"Mary-and Joseph just make a lovely-picture for us all to look at-!" Mrs. Bradley's sentence was reduced to chops as she struggled, finally getting a firm grasp around the doll's stomach and ripping it away from Imogene and Ralph. "—WHILE WE THINK ABOUT CHRISTMAS AND WHAT IT MEANS!"

Her scream silenced the whole room. She collected herself, and stared down in exasperation at the doll as its head swung loosely from the thin string keeping it attached to the body. My mouth was agape with amazement—and almost joy—as I watched her almost weep for this doll. My brothers snickered next to me.

"Now..." Mrs. Bradley, almost on the verge of tears, delicately handed the doll back to Imogene. "...put the doll back."

Rather than take it by the body that Mrs. Bradley offered, Imogene grabbed it by its head.

"I don't get to say ANYTHING," Imogene tore the silence that thickened the room. "Some ANGEL tells me what to name the baby. _I_ would have named him Bill."

My brothers nodded in approval at the name. Imogene's been obsessed with that named as long as I could remember...she once had a turtle named Bill, and there was a stray dog that would sometimes come around which she referred to as Bill...and she also called the mailman Bill, just because she didn't know his name.

"What angel is that?" Ralph rubbed his head in confusion. "There's angels _all over _the place. Was that Gladys?"

Gladys, who had long since returned to the stage, grinned and prepared to shazam again.

"NO!" Mrs. Bradley stopped her before she could go on. "Gladys just brings the good news to the shepherds."

"YEAH," Gladys yelled down at the shepherds, who were a level lower than her. "Unto _you_ a _child _is _born_!" She went down the line of shepherds, whacking each one in the back of the head as she went.

"Unto ME!" Imogene loudly corrected her. "Not them! ME! I'm the one that has the baby!"

Mrs. Bradley's gritted teeth parted as she turned to Imogene.

"No, no, no," Mrs. Bradley tried to contain herself. "That just means that Jesus belongs to everybody. Unto all of you a child is born!"

"Why didn't they let Mary name her own baby?" Imogene asked, cutting of Mrs. Bradley's last few words. "What did that angel do? Just walk up and say, 'Name him Jesus!'"

"Yes!" Mrs. Bradley impatiently replied.

"I know what the angel said," A voice spoke up.

Alice walked down from her post, underscored by my groans.

"His name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father...Prince of Peace.'"

The room again fell silent, amazed at—well, first of all, her memory—and the sermon that just took place.

Once again, Imogene broke the silence as her hysterical laughter echoed through the auditorium.

"MY GOD!" Imogene finally managed to speak through her laughter. "He'd never get out of the _first grade _if he had to write all that!"

My siblings and I joined Imogene insane laughter, before Ralph was finally able to fully snatch the doll away from her.

"LEROY!" Ralph grabbed my attention, waving the doll in the air.

"I GOT IT! I GOT IT!" I stuck my hands in the air, and Ralph threw the doll to me just as Imogene grabbed him by the shoulders.

Once I realized I was being pursued by Claude, Ollie, _and _Imogene, I booked it offstage towards the door of the church. The last glimpse of the play I managed to catch was Mrs. Bradley collapsing into a seat on the stage stairs, surrounded by the cast fleeing offstage in all directions, leaving only she and Maxine.

This officially cured my boredom-stricken day.


	12. Leroy, Age 14: Something's Different

Leroy, Age 14: Something's Different

The day of the play had finally arrived. I was more than ready to get this ordeal over with. I had the best costume in the show, no argument. Our old mop that Ralph tossed in the backyard, with a little bachelor wash to rinse out the soap, made for an excellent beard. Imogene let me borrow her old wine bucket as a hat. I found an old red bathrobe in the closet...who knows who used to own that.

I was gathered with my siblings in the hallway outside the auditorium. We were all dressed and ready to go...but there was no sign of Imogene.

Claude and Ollie were quietly pulling at each other's bathrobes while Ralph and Gladys had a thumb war. I was too worried about Imogene to be engaged in any of it.

Imogene had been quiet all day. I mean, she had spoken a few times, but she wasn't as boisterous as she usually was. It wasn't like her at all. Maybe she got sick from the cold...

I heard a door click shut, and I whipped around, expecting Imogene. Indeed, there she was. Her face was almost expressionless...and the baby Jesus doll, head reattached, was lying comfortably in her arms as she cradled it.

The rest of us took the signal from Ralph rising to his feet and stood up.

"Where've you been, Imogene?" Ralph inquired.

She looked up at him, studied his face for just a moment, and then looked back down at the doll. Her hand rested gently on its head and her thumb caressed its face.

Gladys bounced forward. "What are you doing to that thing, Imogene?"

Imogene sighed and looked back up at us.

"Guys," she began softly. "I've been rethinking this whole..._pageant _thing. Maybe we should give it a chance and not do anything tonight to mess it up."

I looked back at the rest of my siblings, who just stood there with stony expressions. We were silent, until Ralph spoke up.

"So you're saying, everything we've worked for," Ralph approached her. "and everything we've done to get this much control, you're just going to-"

"But that's just it, Ralph!" Imogene interrupted. "We haven't worked for anything! We haven't done anything to play this pageant successful, we haven't done anything we were asked to do...we just played around the whole time. I think this time we should do things differently."

"Listen to yourself!" Ralph's voice now echoed through the hallway. "You're handing the reigns right back over to the adults! What about what you've always talked about? 'Don't surrender your power, always stay true to-'"

"I need a change, Ralph," Imogene cut him off again, still softly. "Something's just not right about our lifestyle. The things we've seen growing up, Ralph...we've seen horrible things! And we always talked about how we never wanted that for our siblings, but look what we've raised them to be! They lie, they steal, they hurt others-"

"This is survival, Imogene!" Ralph yelled. "What, do you think this world is going to treat them with the same Suzie Homemaker kindness? It's not, Imogene! You're right, we _have_ seen horrible things, and that's why we raised them to fight that!"

"There's got to be another way, Ralph!" Imogene looked into his eyes, pleading with him as her voice began to quiver. "There has to be a better way to fight the evil of the world without _becoming _it!"

Ralph nodded his head as he eyeballed her, laughing in disbelief.

"So this is it, huh?" Ralph's voice shrunk to a somber tone. "This whole Christmas thing. It's enough to reduce the great Imogene Herdman to garbage."

"It's helping me see things differently, Ralph!" Imogene continued to plead with him.

"It's a lie!" Ralph's voice rose into a scream. "It's just another trick they're feeding us so we'll believe there's a better life out there when there isn't!"

"_I don't feel that way!_" Imogene screamed back.

Her voice was so loud that it completely silenced Ralph. I looked over at the rest of my siblings, still stone-faced. They obviously had no idea what was happening. To tell you the truth...neither did I.

"I'm just asking you to keep your eyes open tonight, Ralph," Imogene said quietly. "If you never listen to me again, at least make this the last thing you ever do for me."

Imogene looked once more at the doll, then looked back up to eye each of us, begging for us to listen to what she had said. Finally, she turned her back and left to go back into the auditorium to prepare for the show.

All of us simply stood there and watched. We even stood there after we heard the door close behind her.

Then...I took off running.

"Leroy!" Ralph called after me. "Where are you going?"

To this day, I don't know where I was going. Something about what Imogene said was strange to me. I can't even tell you what it was that felt so strange...it just was.

I burst through the doors of the church into the white landscape. The snow was falling thickly and collecting on the ground. I ignored the possibility that I may slip on the ice and just kept running.

Wouldn't you know it, though...I eventually slipped and fell right backwards.

My head was reeling and my back hurt...but I continued to lay there and look up at the sky. I studied each snowflake, as well as that big shiny star that was always in the sky. The North Star, was it called? We talked about it a lot during rehearsals...it brought those...those Bethlehem people to where Jesus was. If it weren't for that star, they wouldn't have found him.

I finally got up, but stayed sitting on my legs in the deep snow. I used my finger to poke little holes in it; I tend to fidget when I think really hard.

"Can I get better?" I talked to myself. "Is Imogene right? Is there another way to fight?"

My finger recoiled from the cold of the snow, and I continued to sit there. It was as if everything I'd learned for all these years was being challenged. It should have made me angry...but then, why did I feel so happy?

I think, for the first time since Ralph and Imogene fought away that burglar, I began to really cry.


	13. Leroy, Age 14: Christmas & the Herdmans

Leroy, Age 14: Christmas and the Herdmans

The wind stung my tear-stained face as I ran, kicking up snow. I had half an hour before the show began...I needed to get home!

The moment I saw my house, my blood pumped just hard enough that I managed to run faster until I reached the front door. I fumbled with my key and unlocked the door, immediately running to the kitchen.

I reached for the food basket that the welfare delivered to us that morning, and shuffled around until my hand landed on the huge ham at the bottom. I took it out and examined it for any rotten places. It seemed to be okay, so I ran into my bedroom and dug around under the bed until I managed to find a red bow from off of a box of Christmas candy I'd swiped from the store the week before. It tied perfectly around the ham, almost as if it was destined to be there from the moment it was made. I gave one final grin before I locked the house up and flew back to the church.

Ralph was waiting for me at the top of the stairs when I got there. I expected to be scolded and probably pummeled. Instead, his face was completely emotionless as he watched me double over when I reached the top, panting.

"That's the ham from the basket," Ralph inquired gently.

Barely able to speak, I simply nodded, until I was able to stand straight and look at him.

I thought..." I was a little unsure of what to say. I looked the ham, as if it could perhaps give me the words I couldn't find.

Ralph began to approach me. My muscles tightened, preparing for a beating, but Ralph put a firm hand on my shoulder and shook me a bit.

"Good idea," He smiled.

I was a little surprise at his reaction to all this, but I just smiled back.

"Alright, the show's about to begin," Ralph took my mop beard from around my neck and tied it back onto my face. "Go make sure the guys are set backstage."

I nodded briskly, rushing into the church to assemble my siblings and I backstage.

On the way there, I accidentally slammed into one of the sheep, almost knocking him down. The minute he saw it was me, _the_ Leroy Herdman, he gasped and froze, petrified where he stood. Pretty much all I could see were his wide eyes...the rest of him was buried under an oversized hooded grey sweatshirt bombarded with cotton balls. That was everyone's answer to a sheep costume, apparently.

"Sorry!" I laughed slightly. "I was in a bit of a hurry there...which one are you, again?"

I flipped off his hood and check his hair...brown hair. So this one's not Hobie...

I stood there for a minute, surveying him. I was searching my head for a name. I could swear it had been said before. He just kept standing there, like a squirrel in the road.

"Sorry, kid," I ducked down to his level. "What's your name, again?"

He just whimpered.

"Name, please?" I said a little louder.

He squeezed his eyes shut, completely ready to be punched in the face, and ultimately squeaked, "Harold..."

"Oh..." I nodded and grinned at him. "Merry Christmas, Harold!"

I gave him a light smack in the arm right before I continued to run backstage.

I'm pretty sure he just stood there stunned for a while, unsure of what to think about how I just acted.

I opened the door to the back of the stage, where Alice was primping baby angels and shepherds were making final adjustments to their costumes. To my surprise, I found my brothers standing quietly backstage, studying their costumes.

They looked up at me, almost as stone-faced as Ralph was. I gripped the ham in my hands.

"I guess you guys are having second thoughts, too?" I chuckled lightly.

They both nodded.

"Maybe we _should _try something different like Imogene said," Claude spoke up.

"I also...kind of want things to be different," Ollie added.

I smiled at each of them and carefully arranged them in our line.

I heard the audience chatter from behind the curtain...and I was suddenly stricken with the biggest clot of nerves I'd experienced in a long time. My adrenaline pumped, my body went cold, and I could feel myself sweating. It was then that I realized I must have tremendous stage fright. Man...why did it have to show up the day of the performance? Why _now_?

Too late...the lights dimmed and the show began.

I spent my offstage time with my eyes glued to the floor, taking deep breaths through my mouth. Ollie heard my pants and looked back at me.

"Leroy, you okay?" He whispered.

"I'll be okay," I whispered back, voice quaking. "We just need to make sure this ham gets there, alright?"

Ollie nodded nervously, and turned back around to face the stage.

"HEY!" We suddenly heard Gladys shout.

Whoa, what is she doing?

My brothers and I peeked out from behind the curtains to see Gladys, clad in her red cape, approaching the shepherds.

"Hey," She eyed each of them. "Unto _you _a child is born! It's Jesus, and he's over _there _in the barn! Go see him!"

Gladys flexed a finger towards Ralph and Imogene, who were quietly sitting by the manger onstage. When the shepherds didn't move, Gladys began to push them in that direction, not caring if they stumbled to their knees or not.

"What is she doing?" Claude mumbled irately.

"It's okay!" I whispered back, pointing at the scene. "They found Jesus now!"

The twins studied the sight.

I added, "They don't need to wander all over anymore. They went straight there."

"Oh!" The twins whispered in unison, nodding to each other.

Maxine, positioned at the side of the stage, continued to read from her Bible.

"When Jesus was born, there came Wise Men from the east to worship him,"—oh no...that's our cue! I can't do this, I'm too nervous.—"bringing him gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh."

Too late...the music started, and Ollie tromped out. I had no choice but to follow.

I stepped out, glanced once at the booked audience space, and quickly shot my head back in a forward position. My ham served as my safety blanket as my brothers and I circled the stage once before arriving at Ralph's side.

Maxine continued.

"Being warned in a dream that they should not return to their own country,"—thank goodness. I can get off this stage!—"the Wise Men departed another way."

We rose up from our positions and made our way quickly towards the other side of the stage. I gave a sigh of relief that it was done with already.

_That wasn't so hard,_ I thought to myself. _And I even got to give the ham to...oh no, the ham!_

As I reached the edge of the stage wings, I realized I was still holding my ham. I twirled back around and held the ham out to Ralph, a little afraid to go back to where I was. Ralph, with both hands, made a downward gesture and mouthed something to me...but I couldn't quite catch what he was saying.

"Put it down," Maxine mumbled to me.

I looked at her, and back at Ralph, who nodded to me to put the ham down beside of Maxine.

I took one more sweeping glance at the audience, and quickly set down the ham.

Awesome. That was good.

I felt a grin creeping across my face. I slowly turned my head towards the baby angels, who shook their heads, begging "no". I nodded my head at them...begging yes.

I slapped my hands together into a gun shape, and like the great James Bond himself, I flew offstage, guns blazing.

When I arrived offstage, I looked back at Ralph and Imogene onstage, fully expecting them to get a light-hearted chuckle out of that. However, the whole time, Ralph was watching Imogene study the baby Jesus doll in her arms, rocking it back and forth. Gladys, who was still onstage, walked over to Imogene right as she laid her face down on the baby.

I think...that might be the first time I've ever seen Imogene cry.

After the church cleared out, my siblings and I walked calmly around the building, seeing the building in a brand new light. Suddenly, it wasn't just a building. It seemed to be a place of peace, where even horrible people like me could find a second chance, and be loved as a person rather than a scorecard of what great things you've done in your life. Perhaps that's not something we'd ever be able to gain from the _people _of the church...but from the person they came here every Sunday to see.

Imogene held him in her arms today...and I've never seen a more different version of my sister.

"Leroy!" I heard a woman's voice calling from behind me.

I turned around to see Mrs. Bradley running towards me, carrying my ham.

"Here!" She smiled and held the ham out to me. "You left this onstage. Quite a surprise! The audience talked for a while about it after the performance!"

Why is she giving it back to me? It was a gift.

"It's a present," I gently pushed the ham back to her, "and you don't take back presents."

She seemed surprised for some reason, but I gave her a broad but toothless smile to let her know it was okay.

"Well...thank you very much, Leroy," Mrs. Bradley smiled again. "That's very kind of you."

She grinned as each of my siblings before walking away with the ham. I turned back around to face my siblings. Imogene was still holding the doll, cradling it.

Ralph came over to her and put his hand on her back.

"Do you want to go back there?" He asked.

Imogene looked up at him, and with a weak smile, nodded yes.

So, we turned the next corner back towards the auditorium. We opened the doors to see the stage still beautifully lit by the North Star light, giving off a soft gold glow.

My siblings and I patiently waited on the stage as Imogene slowly approached the manger and placed the doll inside.

She looked so loving and peaceful at that moment. She never even looked at baby Gladys the way she looked at this doll. Something was really working inside of her, and I think we could all tell.

I look back at Ralph, who was smiling proudly at Imogene, before looking over and smiling at me. I smiled back, and looked back over at my big sister, who was now carefully looking across the gently lit auditorium. She looked at the set, the pews in the audience space, and once more over at the manger. She tucked the doll into its blankets one final time, before wrapping herself up in her robe hanging loosely from her shoulders.

She took two steps down from the platforms and joined us. She looked each one of us in the eyes: Ralph, Ollie, Claude, Gladys, and me.

"Let's go home," Imogene smiled at us.

Together, we walked out into the snow, back towards home. We didn't stay for the cast party, didn't get any cocoa or snacks...we just walked back to our house, as the family we were becoming for the first time.

Have a wonderful Christmas, everyone, and thank you for reading!


End file.
